(in progress): a life

The Last Post (Here)

2009-01-07T12:45:00.000-08:00

It's a new year, and I'm abandoning this blog for good. Although I am not abandoning blogging, I will just be using my own website blog. All your links can update with http://www.jonathanball.com/?cat=3. Do it now!

Chinese Democracy

2008-11-28T15:09:00.000-08:00

The day came and went. Chinese Democracy exists. The best review of the album is by Chuck Klosterman, writing for The Onion:

I've maintained a decent living by making easy jokes about Axl Rose for the past 10 years, but what's the final truth? The final truth is this: He makes the best songs. They sound the way I want songs to sound. A few of them seem idiotic at the beginning, but I love the way they end.

The Best Thing Ever

2008-11-26T20:58:00.000-08:00

The jury is in agreement, and this is the best thing ever:

And so is this:

And this:

My Fifteen Seconds of Fame

2008-11-26T20:54:00.000-08:00

I am in the news (kind-of), the Okanagan College News anyway. I have copied the full article for your reading displeasure:

Kevin McPherson signs book deals

English professor Kevin McPherson signed two book deals and will see his first book published in December 2009. Inside Okanagan College asked Kevin to provide details of both books.

“The first will be called, The Words of the Book, and it’s experimental poetry based on the King James Version of the Holy Bible. I co-created it with a real jerk of a poet in Calgary named Jonathan Ball, and it’s been accepted for publication by a press in Toronto called BookThug. Expect to see it December 2009.

“The second book, titled rhapsodomancy, collects various visual poems from my creative MA thesis. It is set for a Spring 2010 release with Coach House Books, also in Toronto.”

Here's looking at you, kid.

2008-11-18T17:03:00.000-08:00

This is a blog update just for Peter Norman, my only fan/reader of this blog. I am sorry to be away for so long. I am slowly shifting my blog over to my website, www.jonathanball.com, but it's still in need of a redesign and under general construction as you'll see.

However, the site has a few blog posts:
- on a Coldplay video
- on a grant I applied for, to complete a graphic novel

So hopefully that makes up, slightly, for my lack of updates here.

In general I have been busy... working on the thesis, of course, got word that the poetry book I co-wrote with kevin mcpherson eckhoff, The Words of The Book, which comprises 1% of the King James Bible with added poetic commentary, is due out December 2009. I've got three other book-length poetry manuscripts DONE and waiting to be published, all sitting at various presses. Two more machine-related poetry books (a "Machine Trilogy" of sorts, The Words of The Book is the second installment) and then one book of playscripts that would be impossible to perform (kind of Calvino-esque prose poems). Now I'm mostly trying to get the fiction off the ground. And teach my horror course.

Oh, and Peter, you will be happy to know that I ordered the Joyce Carol Oates book you recommended, but it hasn't come in yet. Other readers who are not Peter: you might prefer to check out the always-funnyish Haiku Horoscopes.

Wow.

2008-10-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

It is stunning that only today are the Conservatives slated to unveil their election platform... one week away from election day, AFTER the debate, AFTER the early polls have opened and closed... people have already gone in and voted to support this government, despite its complete lack of any platform. Absolutely ridiculous. ESPECIALLY considering that this is the current government in power that we are talking about. Such irresponsibility seems like it should be illegal.

Stephen King on novels in the 21st century

2008-05-09T08:08:00.000-07:00

novels are still the best entertainment option. Even a hardcover is cheaper than two tickets to the local multiplex, especially once you throw in gas, parking, and babysitting. Also, a book lasts longer and there are no ads. Need more? No tiresome ratings system to keep you out if you're under 17, the special effects are always primo (because you make 'em up yourself), and although I read nearly 80 books this year, I never ran across the Olsen twins a single time.

The Waking Eyes --- "All Empires Fall"

2008-05-08T11:19:00.000-07:00

Winnipeg's "The Waking Eyes" are putting out their new album, peep the video on Youtube by searching "All Empires Fall" . . . it's a nice video, but I prefer the one below, a live shoot directed by your friend and mine, Spoony B (Aleksander Rzeszowski).

Avant-Garde Basketball Player Penalized for Travelling

2008-03-21T17:52:00.000-07:00

The avant-garde artist known only as "Dehzi," who has become infamous for his unorthodox contributions to professional sports, was penalized for travelling in a basketball game on friday.

During the game's first period, Dehzi gained possession of the ball after intercepting a pass. Dehzi then ran around the court in a ever-widening spiral, screeching tonelessly and holding the ball over his head. Dehzi continued this behaviour when game play had stopped due to the penalty call, ceasing only after being tripped by a member of his own team.

Reaction to the work has been divided. While some critics hailed the play as "revolutionary" and derided the game's referee as "a philistine," other critics declared Dehzi's most recent play "pointless, annoying, and derivative of his previous work."

Dehzi declined comment, but the team's coach, James O'Halloran, issued a statement to the press earlier today. "In his playing, Dehzi tries to strip the game of basketball down to its core elements, and engage with the game on a pre-linguistic level," said O'Halloran. "He's really got to cool it with that shit."

"Lunch Time Street Beef" with Johnny LaRue!

2008-03-19T18:50:00.000-07:00

This is my favourite SCTV sketch, with John Candy as Johnny LaRue. The lack of people on the street was a recurring joke with Street Beef. But in this particular episode, Johnny LaRue has been reprimanded several times for blowing his various budgets in a quest for "production values" --- making use of expensive crane and helicopter shots for no particular reason. Also, LaRue has been demoted to doing this live man-on-the-street show against his wishes, as a sort of punishment, relegated to the bare minimum of production values. Pulled from the context of the entire episode the sketch loses a lot of impact, since almost every line in this sketch is a callback to a joke established previously in the episode --- but Candy's opening monologue and the twists near the end are golden SCTV moments.

What is Stephen Harper reading?

2008-02-10T10:43:00.000-08:00

Yann Martel has started a website: "What is Stephen Harper reading?" As a sort-of protest of the Conservative tendency to under-fund the arts, Martel is sending Harper a gift of a book every two weeks, in the hope that Harper will actually read these books and learn to appreciate art. Brilliant. The website reproduces Martel's letters to Harper, and also the single letter received by Martel, from Harper's assistant.

Chapbooks

2008-02-05T22:22:00.000-08:00

Apparently I have three new chapbooks out. "New-ish" anyway. One is the first chapter of my novel-in-progress, Kanada, entitled An Excerpt from Kanada, in which I is Silent, which is available from me or from NO press (derek [at] housepress [dot] com or jonathan [at] jonathanball [dot] com).

The others are two stranger poetry chapbooks, from kevin mcpherson eckhoff's by the skin of me teeth press, The Present Paradox and π: Archimedes. More info here.

And of course, Bookthug's beautiful little WOLVES (lone.ly). Or, if you speak whatever language this is, you can order it from this mysterious site.

I've got other chapbooks, if you ask kindly.

A Classic TV Moment

2008-01-28T13:31:00.000-08:00

Ed McMahon drunk on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.

That's right, the urban legend is true. And here it is. Aside from the curio factor, the clip is a great reminder of how quick and clever Carson was, for those too young to remember.

You Don't Know About My Theories

2008-01-27T19:00:00.000-08:00

[The backstory: this is an article previously published on the now-defunct kimono.ca which is a "fake" editorial amalgamating something like fifty different, yet similar, conversations I had with a man who later stole my acoustic guitar. The exaggeration has been kept to a minimum. And yes --- for a time he slept on a hooker's discarded mattress.]

You Don't Know About My Theories
by Jason M.

You know, I used to think you were, like, of a greater mindset, but now that I know you a bit better I've got to tell you what a fucking loser you are, especially when compared to me. You just open your mouth and talk and talk but nothing comes out, man! You've got shit for brains! Have your brains turned to mush? You don't know about my theories.

Once upon a time you might have been justified in shooting me down in front of these chicks, but that day has passed, brother. Sure, when you met me I was just a bum on the street playing my guitar for money, but even then you should have realized from those crazy licks of mine that there was something special about me.

Oh, I don't blame you for being short-sighted and dismissing me as just another busker initially, but now that we've known each other for a while I would think you would have caught on. At first I just chalked it up to jealousy on your part because you know how much I kick you ass at singing, but upon closer inspection I must conclude that your brains have turned to mush. Your mentality level is, like, so low!

It's people like you who hold me back, man! If I hadn't already reached the conclusion that you had shit for brains, then I might let you read my notebook and let you in on some of the ideas that I'm, like, constantly matriculating in my head. As per the current state of affairs, however, I am sad to inform you that not only do you not know about my theories, but I'm not going to tell you.

Did you know that the walls of space within your mind are constantly expanding? I guess not, since it is my theories and my theories alone which explicate this phenomenon.

It's a sad situation when your so-called "friends" make fun of you behind your back. I know what you've been up to man, and I don't understand it. Like, pointing out the fact that the mattress I've been sleeping on came to me secondhand from a down-and-out hooker, and in front of that hot girl I've been "working" on --- that was just weak, man. I don't know what you were thinking when you said that. I can't comprehend you. You're not comprehensive!

At least I can take solace in the fact that, while I may not score with that girl, solely because of YOUR interference, I will at least have the pleasure of hoarding my theories and denying you that greatest of knowledge. One day, when science finally comes around to accept my uneducated viewpoints, I'll have the last laugh. Like, all the way to the bank, man!

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to sing a song better than you ever could.

Haiku Horoscopes 2: Electric Bugaloo

2008-01-18T12:29:00.000-08:00

The Haiku Horoscopes have returned, and are running again in Winnipeg's Uptown Magazine. I am hoping to get the column into other city weeklies this year, so if you know of any potential victims, please bring them to my attention. Also, some people have e-mailed me to say that www.haikuhoroscopes.com is not working... as far as I can figure it out, the guy in charge of the company I was buying webspace from fled the country to escape from creditors or something. So the site will return in the future, when I figure out if I can even get the files from the system or if it has to be redesigned or if it's even possible to keep the URL or what. In the meantime, Uptown is your only source for Haiku Horoscopes.

New Pet Peeve: "Aging" Cheese

2008-01-14T07:40:00.000-08:00

You've all heard about the process of "aging" cheese. Cheese is "aged" by its human masters, rather than "growing old" and dying of natural causes. All grammar aside, the jargon renders the concept bizarre, through transforming humans into the arbiters of time. "This cheese shall age, but its brothers shall never grow old!"

ABD (All But Dead)

2007-12-02T20:58:00.001-08:00

Hey, I passed, and am now an official "PhD Candidate" or ABD PhD. Time for sleep. Then the thesis. The Crow Murders

For those about to write... we salute you!

2007-10-29T07:21:00.001-07:00

Today begins my PhD Candidacy Exams. Quite the daunting task. I thought I would begin by posting an inspiring anecdote, for those of you completing your thesis... maybe you are an MA student planning to continue onto a PhD program, like I did. Well, here is your anecdote:

"A rather large edition of [E.J. Pratt's thesis] was printed by a local publisher; and Pratt enjoys telling how for many years whenever he wanted to start a fire he would toss in a copy or two of the thesis...." --E.K. Brown, On Canadian Poetry

Martin Magic!!

2007-10-25T22:31:00.001-07:00

The best magic act ever?

My Favourite Comedian

2007-10-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

I love comedy and comedians. Sometimes I am asked who my favourite comedian is. The answer, hands down, is Steve Martin. People are often surprised by this answer, because in recent years Steve Martin has been in the habit of making lousy movies that aren't very funny. But Martin's style shines through best in his early stand-up and television appearances. Go spend an hour or so on YouTube with Mr. Martin and you'll see.

Below is a three-part Tonight Show appearance by Martin with Johnny Carson. First, you'll see Martin doing his stand-up. Then a brilliant two-part interview with Carson in which he really puts the average guest to shame.

Bush Declares War on Zombies

2007-10-25T11:22:00.000-07:00

Fast Fictions by Kevin Spenst

2007-10-18T12:55:00.001-07:00

A recent acquisition, worth blogging about, is a slender little booklet entitled Fast Fictions by Vancouver writer Kevin Spenst. Kevin has been writing a short-short story a day for, oh, about 1000+ days. Recently he wrote his 1000th story and celebrated with a clever tour (50 venues in the same day) reading from a the aforementioned booklet which contains 25 of the best stories (in Kevin's opinion). Martian Press devotees may recognize Kevin from his inclusion in the first and only Martian Press Review, or from his short films as part of the Narcoleptic Videographer collective in Vancouver. Anyway, the book is a great little collection of "freak show short-short stories of the sad, bizarre & beautiful" (to quote its cover). You should e-mail kevinspensty@hotmail.com to arrange purchase of your own copy for a mere $7.

The latest from McSweeney's is also short-short stories, One Hundred and Forty-Five Stories in a Small Box, which is essentially three short-short story collections: Hard to Admit and Harder to Escape by Sarah Manguso, How the Water Feels to the Fishes by Dave Eggers, and Minor Robberies by Deb Olin Unferth.

Short-short stories are running rampant! They must be stopped. I recommend purchasing them all as the best method to contain this madness.

talk about crazy

2007-10-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

So, here's something crazy and unexpected... my ex-girlfriend (and still friend), the reporter/poet Lindsey Wiebe pops into my messenger box today, to tell me she is in Afghanistan. The Winnipeg Free Press sent here there. She wasn't allowed to tell me anything else. But here's her Afghanistan blog with what she is allowed to tell you/me. And another article here.

It's not easy...

2007-09-25T06:41:00.000-07:00

... being the Pimp King of Winnipeg!

Watch the film here.

Faulkner — you're fired!!!

2007-09-22T10:35:00.001-07:00

In 1924, William Faulkner was fired from his job as a US postmaster, which he had held for three years. Below I've copied some excerpts from a letter sent to Faulkner shortly before his firing, for your general amusement.

Dear Sir:

The following charges have been made against you as a postmaster at University, Mississippi:

1. That you are neglectful of your duties, in that you are a habitual reader of books and magazines, and seem reluctant to cease reading long enough to serve the patrons; that you have a book being printed at the present time, the greater part of which was written while on duty at the postoffice [...]

3. That you are indifferent to interest of patrons, unsocial, and rarely ever speak to patrons of the office unless absolutely necessary; that you do not give the office the proper attention, opening and closing same at your convenience; that you can be found playing golf during office hours.

4. That you mistreat mail of all classes, including registered mail; that you have thrown mail with return postage guaranteed and all other classes in the garbage can by the side entrance, near the rear door [...] that this has gotten to be such a common occurrence that some patrons have gone to the garbage can to get their magazines, should they not be in their boxes when they looked for them.

[... it goes on ... Faulkner also let his friends come and play cards with him at work ...]

Respectfully yours

Mark Webster
Postoffice Inspector
Corinth, Mississippi